"Hey, who was that YouTuber girl you used to like?" I was asked not long ago.
There was only one answer. It wasn't Emma Chamberlain or KallMeKris or anyone on the trending page. I doubt anyone currently attending high school or junior high has ever heard of her. She was an O.G.
"Taryn Southern." I replied. "Why?"
It is practically impossible for a social media celebrity to make headlines unless something horrible has happened. If a YouTuber does something embarrassing, they're usually held to account in-house[shout out to Charlie]. News aggregators rarely waste time on these fools.
Taryn's story wasn't covered on Charlie's channel. Taryn's story was bigger, broader, sadder. It explained so much to me, as someone who followed her channel and wrote of her on this blog (and the one that preceded it). The events that occurred over that time, and since, lined up with what I'd expected. Only it was far worse than I could have ever imagined.
The first YouTube channel(and video) I ever watched was created by author John Green and "vlogbrother" Hank. I still follow them fifteen years later. I used to watch Minecraft videos with my daughters but they don't play anymore so I watch 'em myself now. If I'm on YouTube at all these days, it's primarily for sports content - Packast, The Hockey Guy, Foolish Baseball, FlemLo Raps, and KTO are in the rotation. I used to love SB Nation/Secret Base, but they've basically become NBATV without Jon Bois front and center. [Man, I wish Jon could tell this story...]
There is one woman currently on my Subscription list, and she does movie reactions. There is one comedic entertainer on my Subscription list. Hi there, hello! If you're not familiar with Ryan George, he makes recurring series in which he plays several characters: Screenwriter Guy/Producer Guy, '90s TV Show Host/Time Traveler Guy, and various First Guy To... skits.
Basically, he talks to himself. Tom Grossi does the same thing on Packcast, playing characters that represent various NFL fanbases. Wildflower (Washington fan) is a cult fave.
The first time I ever saw this method in action was on Taryn's channel. I'm not saying she invented it, but... no one's ever made it look this good before or since:
{Note: I had a more specific example in mind but she removed the video. She removed a lot of her old videos.}
As I mentioned at the time both to my best friend during our "bro down" guy chats and on my blog(s) Taryn wasn't just unfathomably gorgeous. She was talented and funny and creative; probably the closest anyone
has ever come to my idea of an absolutely perfect woman -- which adds another layer of anger and frustration to this story.
The NFL Draft is going on, so let's use that as a backdrop to this theoretical: if you could choose any woman in the world to hang out with/make out with/spend the next 'x' amount of years with... who would you choose? If you'd asked me that any time in the mid-2010s, I'd be scribbling her name on a 4 x 6 index card and running up to the stage like it's a track meet.
We're not talking about the fifth-best quarterback to come out of the University of Kentucky. We're talking about a student-athlete who was chosen as the most well-rounded and attractive woman at the University of Miami.
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Good guys named Brian Johnson
Billionaire Tech Bros who aren't assholes
This wasn't like Mookie Betts going to the Dodgers, this was like Mookie Betts retiring from baseball to work in Silicon Valley. "I liked the thing you used to do." The bossy, selfish fan cried. "Go back to doing that!"
I chalked it up to an intelligent person following curiosity and expanding her horizons. She made some mention of becoming disillusioned with YouTube, which I connected to declining ad revenues or some change in policy that short-changed creators.. all out of my scope.
Point is, the Party Fun Times were over.
Corky did an amazing job on these. Unfortunately I sent them to a PO Box listed on one of her websites... and the mailer bounced back to me three months later.
If I were a much younger man, it might have bothered me that the once fan-friendly semi-celeb was suddenly unreachable by mail. It didn't bother me then. But now that the blanks are filled in, it grates on me.
What. The. F*ck?!?!?
Okay. Now I'm pissed.
I get that billionaires kind of have to be ruthless but.. this is just cruel.
Net negative?!?! This Benjamin Button wannabe really gonna call his "female-directed and produced sci-fi documentary" I Am Human and treat her like she's anything but.
How does shit like this happen? As a normal, not wealthy, famous, or exceptionally attractive person I am so befuddled by this story. Maybe she's just a gold digger, who knows?
Kris seems to know (is that KallMeKris?) And yeah, I'm obviously on Team Taryn because I enjoyed her content for years and whatnot. It's not like this is the first time a wealthy and successful man kicked his woman to the curb right after she was diagnosed with cancer.
That part didn't shock me. I had a sinking feeling that would happen. But the way this Johnson allegedly manipulated her into becoming completely subservient just does not compute.
It's true what they say. Love really makes you do crazy things. Trust me, I know.
All of this is to say that I don't know Taryn Southern. I don't know if she's telling the truth, though I believe her.
One thing I do know is that humans are not fucking depreciating assets.
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I hope she resurfaces soon. I hope she's well. I hope she gets her life back and bleeds Benjamin Button dry.
Anyway, I had to get this off my chest. All-Time Teams will resume next week. If you got this far, thank you so much for reading. I truly appreciate it, especially with non-sports card essays like this.
Have a great weekend, and be kind to your fellow humans.
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