The 2023-24 NHL season is officially underway!
Inspired by Night Owl's baseball rankings, I've made a list of all 32 NHL teams in order of my personal preference and what I'm hoping for/expecting to see happen over the next eight months. Starting with...
#1 - New Jersey Devils
My boys!! The Devils' long rebuild officially ended last season with a 107-point season (just one win behind Carolina for first in the Metro) and a first-round win over the arch-rival Rangers. Trade deadline acquisition Timo Meier and homegrown forward Jesper Bratt are signed long term, as is captain Nico Hischier and superstar center Jack Hughes - who broke the franchise record for points in a season with 99. Adding Tyler Toffoli gives their already loaded lines even more firepower.
The Hockey Guy is picking 'em to win it all. The Hockey News... has always hated NJ so they can piss off.
What I want them to do: Bring the Stanley Cup back to New Jersey!
What I think they'll do: Start off slow, get desperate, make another major trade, and lose to a team I don't like (Carolina, Rangers, maybe even Toronto) in the Eastern Conference final.
#2 - Seattle Kraken
The Kraken immediately became my Western Conference favorite when they hired Whalers legend Ron Francis as General Manager. I love the city, I love the color scheme, and I was already a fan of two players they picked in the expansion draft - Jordan Eberle and Adam Larsson. Seattle made the postseason in their second year and advanced to the second round - where Dallas defeated them in seven.
What I want them to do: Beat the Kings, Oilers, and Avs and advance to the Stanley Cup final.
What I think they'll do: Lose to the Oilers in the first round.
#3 - Tampa Bay Lightning
When my teams are eliminated (often in the first round, if they make the playoffs at all) I'm left to choose a team to cheer for in the conference final or Stanley Cup final. That has turned me into a bit of a Lightning fan over the years, as I've watched Steven Stamkos, Nikita Kucherov, Victor Hedman, and Andrei Vasilevskiy form the backbone of a perennial contender. I often pick up cards of these players on COMC for 30 cents or less, and I wouldn't mind seeing them win one more (non-Covid) Cup before their window closes and the inevitable dominance of the Devils begins :D
What I want them to do: Win the Atlantic, eliminate Toronto and Boston, then lose to Jersey in the East final.
What I think they'll do: Struggle in net until Vasilevskiy is back and healthy. Trade for cheap rentals to bolster their suddenly sub-par forward depth. Lose a thrilling seven-game series to Boston in the first round.
#4 - Edmonton Oilers
After my Whalers moved south (and before I moved to New Jersey) the Oilers were temporarily my favorite team - largely because they were a small market former WHA franchise in danger of relocating, and I did not want to see that happen. Never has a championship series in any sport angered me as much as the 8th-seeded Oilers losing the Cup to those goddamn Canes in 2006. As is Oiler tradition, they're loaded with offensive talent but their defense is iffy and their goaltending is almost always their undoing. Is this finally the year for Connor McDavid, Leon Draisaitl, and co.?
What I want them to do: Lose to the Kraken in the conference final (keep that streak alive, Canada!)
What I think they'll do: Temporarily re-inherit my fandom after the Devils are eliminated, get my hopes up by beating the Stars and/or Knights in the West ... and crush my soul by losing to Carolina in the Cup final again. (keep that streak alive, Canada!)
#5 - Arizona Coyotes
The black sheep of the NHL, I irrationally root for this franchise to succeed because they are the underdog of all underdogs, because their fans have been through more crap than any other franchise's fan base anywhere, and because I know how it feels to love - and lose - an NHL team in my area. They're doing the rebuild right, and their owner actually cares about keeping the team in town (unlike a certain jackass in Oakland.)
What I want them to do: Make the playoffs, beat a Canadian team in the first round, and break ground on a new building in Arizona.
What I think they'll do: Continue their search for a local site to build their new arena while (Canadian) media diminishes their on-ice accomplishments with endless questions about relocation. Also, they'll miss the playoffs by about 3 points.
#6 - Boston Bruins
I really wanted the Bruins to win it all last year, even if they had to beat New Jersey to get there. Why? Because I knew Patrice Bergeron was going to hang 'em up at the end of the season. Bergy, David Krejci, and Taylor Hall are gone but Bad Marchand, David Pastrnak, and my boy Charlie McAvoy are still here. I'd chuckle if they did what the Lightning did a couple years ago - follow up a record-breaking regular season/disappointing postseason with an unexpected Stanley Cup win.
What I want them to do: Claw their way into the playoffs as a wild card and knock out Toronto or Florida before losing to the Lightning in round 2.
What they'll probably do: Lose to a Florida team in round 1.
#7 - Washington Capitals
This team is old and crusty and probably not making the playoffs. But as long as they have Alex Ovechkin, I'll be happy to see them win.
What I want them to do: Beat the Penguins for the final playoff spot in the Metro, then lose to Jersey in round 1.
Whet they'll probably do: Milk the Gr8 Chase like a cash cow to distract from their aging, mediocre roster. Finish sixth in the division again and miss the playoffs.
#8 - Florida Panthers
This is why small-market southern US teams should ignore the vultures up north and stick to their plan. The Panthers couldn't draw flies to their arena three years ago, but now that they're winning the [Insert Name of Bank Here] Arena is sold out every night. Matthew Tkachuk chose to play for Florida and immediately led them to their second-ever Stanley Cup final. I hope it won't be another 27 years before they return.
What I want them to do: Sell out every game, build on their momentum, and win another playoff series or two.
What I think they'll do: Exactly what they did 27 years ago -- follow up a shock-the-world Conference championship with a disappointing first-round exit.
#9 - Vegas Golden Knights
I watched about 30 seconds of the Monday Night Football Manningcast last night - just long enough to hear Jimmy Kimmel list all of the great things going on in Vegas: the Raiders, U2, Formula 1 Racing, and... that's it. Certainly no championship teams in town raising any banners tonight. Nope, no sir.
Jimmy Kimmel is a turd. Seth and Stephen are my guys anyhow. As are Jack Eichel and William "Wild Bill" Karlsson. The Knights' ruthless roster
management angered some fans (and players) along the way, but I don't
like many Western teams and I'm happy to see hockey thrive in the
desert.
What I want them to do: Beat Calgary or the Kings in the first round, lose to the Oilers or Kraken in the second round.
What I think they'll do: Make their fourth conference finals appearance in their seven-year history.. and lose a close series.
#10 - Toronto Maple Leafs
I'm dreading the day when this insufferable franchise wins their first Stanley Cup since 1967. But I like the city as a whole and I don't dislike any of their players (except Max Domi).
What I want them to do: Squeeze under the salary cap by sacrificing any competent goaltending. Anger(or excite) an entire nation by inexplicably missing the playoffs.
What I think they'll do: Win the Atlantic and reach the Eastern conference final (but not the Stanley Cup final because they're the Maple Leafs.)
#11 - Buffalo Sabres
The Sabres are stuck in a brutal division full of teams I like a
little more, but it would be a great story to see them end the longest
active streak of non-playoff seasons in North American pro sports*.
*tied with the NY Jets
What I want them to do: Make the playoffs as a wild card and let the Jets have that playoff-less streak to themselves.
What I think they'll do:
My gut tells me they'll make the playoffs but I just can't see how
they'll surpass two of Boston, Florida, Tampa Bay, Toronto, or Ottawa
-- or how they'd finish ahead of the fourth-place team in the Metro.
#12 - Vancouver Canucks
Like their 1970 expansion brethren in Buffalo, the Canucks have gone 53 years and counting without raising Lord Stanley's mug. I like their roster a tiny bit more (they have a Hughes brother) but Buffalo has never won anything. Vancouver got their glory in the 2010 Olympics (against Sabres/USA goalie Ryan Miller, it should be noted). Also, Buffalo didn't burn their city to the ground when they lost the Cup in '99. Advantage: 'Murica.
What I want them to do: Trade Quinn Hughes to New Jersey and form a family reunion with Jack and Luke.
What I think they'll do: Make a strong push for the final wild card spot out West.
#13-14 - Ottawa Senators, San Jose Sharks
#15-16 - Minnesota Wild, Nashville Predators
These
are all teams that probably won't make the playoffs (although the Wild
have a shot) and I'm neutral on them. In the interest of keeping this post relatively brief, I've grouped them together here. If they make the
playoffs, cool. If they beat a team I don't like, cool. If they beat a
team I do like, not cool.
#17 - Colorado Avalanche
They're a good team I have no reason to hate, but I have never once rooted for them in a Final. If they win the Cup (again) I hope it's only because they beat teams I haven't mentioned yet. Cale Makar is the best all-around defenseman in the NHL - not some guy who racks up power play points and a minus-12 rating.
What I want them to do: Beat the Central teams I dislike more, then lose to a Pacific team in the Conference final.
What I think they'll do: Lose to Dallas or St. Louis in the divisional round.
#18-20 - New York Islanders, Detroit Red Wings, Calgary Flames
Three more 'bubble teams' that don't bother nor interest me. Each would have to bump a team I like better in order to make the playoffs. My favorite Islander is their octogenarian general manager.
#21 - Chicago Blackhawks
The franchise itself has some serious issues, but the current roster is more exciting than some teams I've ranked higher. The 'Hawks are in total rebuild mode and have assembled an experienced supporting cast to shepherd the next "generational" superstar, Connor Bedard. I like Taylor Hall, I like the city, and I want to see Bedard live up to the hype.
What I want them to do: Keep accumulating high draft picks, and find a way to unload Seth Jones' albatross contract.
What they'll probably do: Lose a lot of 6-4 games. Trade almost every veteran except Jones. Pick 3rd in next year's draft.
#22 - Montreal Canadiens
Their "Western" Conference championship in 2021 was a fluke for a number of reasons. There isn't much talent on this team, and little hope of making the playoffs. But it would be nice if the next Canadian team to win the Cup was the last Canadien team to gagner la Coupe Stanley.
What I want them to do: Fire Martin St. Louis. Retire Carey Price's number. (Moar bannarzz!)
What they'll probably do: Finish last in the Atlantic Division, again.
#23 - Philadelphia Flyers
The Flyers were actually my favorite Eastern team for a time, back when the Legion of Doom roamed the ice. I dropped them after the Bobby Clarke/Eric Lindros saga became unbearable and John LeClair left. Cam Atkinson is the only current Flyer I like. Tony DeAngelo and Ivan Provorov have been purged so they're slowly climbing back up my rankings. Carter Hart still sucks.
What I want them to do: Trade Atkinson to the Bruins for pennies on the dollar.
What they'll probably do: Win the draft lottery after a miserable season.
#24 - Anaheim Ducks
Another team run by a former Whaler. I can't say I'm rooting for Pat Verbeek to succeed though - at least not here. In my book, the Ducks will always have that Pronger/Parros/Perry stench on them. Former Devil Adam Henrique is still hanging around and Trevor Zegras is exciting... but I've just been informed he's dating some TikTok bimbo named Dixie. 🙄 I like John Gibson though.
What I want them to do: Rebuild Gibson's trade value and/or ship him out to St. Louis for Jordan Binnington.
What they'll probably do: Inch their way back to playoff contention.
#25 - Los Angeles Kings
If I'd done these rankings yearly, L.A. would have appeared everywhere from 13 to 30. Future HOFers Anze Kopitar and Drew Doughty are still here and slowly converting me from 'dislike' to 'respect'. Jonathan Quick is gone, and neither of his successors are any good. But the reason they rank so low this year is because overrated pissbaby Pierre-Luc Dubois has James Harden-ed his way off of yet another team. But he promises that he's really going to be happy here, for real this time. I will LOL when this blows up in L.A.'s face.
What I want them to do: Miss the playoffs.
What they'll probably do: Trade for a goalie and go on a deep playoff run.
#26 - Pittsburgh Penguins
In a related story... when Erik Karlsson was stuck on a rebuilding Senators squad he asked for and received a trade to a team with a rapidly aging core desperate to extend their contending window. It didn't work out in San Jose, so the league's "best" "defenseman" finagled his way onto a team with ... a rapidly aging core desperate to extend their contending window. I hope it works just as well for him here.
What I want them to do: Lose the last playoff spot to their equally aging arch-rivals in Washington.
What they'll probably do: Make one last run with the Crosby/Malkin/Letang core. Karlsson will pile up another 100+ points and win another Norris trophy over several defensemen who play better defense but don't score as much.
#27 - Dallas Stars
The Stars have been in Dallas for over 30 years, they've been contenders for most of that time, and I could not care less. Their wintermint gum uniforms are stupid - but they're better than this abomination. Their roster is deep and talented and I don't hate anyone here. I just don't like Dallas. I don't like the Cowboys. I don't like that the Rangers are buying their way into an all-Texas matchup with the Astros in the ALCS. I do like Luka Doncic, but he's going to waist with the Mavs. And I really don't like that the only Dallas-area team I can tolerate is the only one that sucks.
My favorite thing about the Stars of the past few years is this tweet.
What I want them to do: Lose to Minnesota. Every year. For eternity.
What they'll probably do: Win the Central, then lose to the Oilers or Knights in the Western final.
#28 - St. Louis Blues
The Blues don't have any superstars or exciting young players. They have a handful of guys who are decent to good. That's it. It's appropriate that the team in the middle of America is so... mid.
So why are they my 5th-most disliked team? Jordan Binnington is a jackass, their thugs broke Zdeno Chara's jaw in the 2019 final - and then they beat Boston in game 7. I'm glad they didn't move to Saskatoon though.
What I want them to do: Deport Binnington. Or trade him to Anaheim. Whatever, just let Joel HOFer have the starting job.
What they'll probably do: Earn the fourth seed in the Central and lose to Dallas in the playoffs.
#29 - Columbus Blue Jackets
Longtime readers of this blog may
remember that I sang the praises of the BJ's just three short summers ago. So... what happened? Well, they are an incredibly forgettable and incompetent franchise with precious few playoff appearances in their nearly quarter-century of existence - yet no one wants
them to move to Quebec. Johnny Gaudreau inexplicably chose to sign with this team (over Calgary, New Jersey, and Philly) and they got
worse. They traded for and signed homophobic Putin supporter Ivan Provorov. They hired abusive lunatic Mike Babcock as head coach - then fired him before the season even started. They're a train wreck. I love it.
What I want them to do: Continue being irrelevant, then move to Milwaukee or some shit.
What they'll probably do: Improve drastically and make contenting teams miserable.
#30 - New York Rangers
I don't have to explain this, do I?
I'll say this though - Henrik Lundqvist was impossible to dislike. And even after he retired there was a scenario in which I would have grudgingly cheered for them in a playoff series. Luckily the Devils beat the damn Blueshirts in the first round last year and that second-round scenario was rendered moot.
What I want them to do: Continue losing to Jersey in the Metro playoffs. Or - even better - miss the playoffs. Butcher the development of Alexis Lafreniere and Kaapo Kaako so Gary doesn't give them any more lottery picks ever again.
What they'll probably do: Fend off the resurgent Penguins and pesky Blue Jackets to earn another playoff berth.
#31 - Winnipeg Jets
You would think that a fan base who lost their team would show some class and empathy toward other fan bases who might lose theirs. Nope, the citizens of Winterpeg are vultures who not only hunt and peck at fans in non-traditional markets but they still actively hate the man who gave them the Thrashers with no resistance whatsoever. Also, while Jets fans act like Americans don't care about hockey the Jets themselves have frequently iced a roster with ten American-born players. They might sell out their minor league arena every night but free agents do NOT want to go there. They don't even have an airport!
What I want them to do: Follow the blueprint of the O.G. Jets - miss the playoffs or lose in the first round every year until they move to a city in the American south. Or Hartford. I'll take Hartford.
What they'll probably do: Miss the playoffs or lose in the first round every year. And stay there.
#32 - Carolina Hurricanes
The Toilet Bowls have officially existed longer than the Whalers did. I should get over it. I won't. The Whalers never got to benefit from a salary cap and revenue sharing. The Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup immediately after a year-long lockout and said salary cap. They only won that final because Rod Brind'Amour cheated in the faceoff circle throughout the series and Andrew Ladd intentionally injured the Oilers' goalie. It was enough to make me wish the league stayed locked out. Forever. Seriously, f*ck this f*cking franchise. I almost had to root for the Rangers in the playoffs last year. The Rangers!!
At least the team has a Whalers night once or twice a year. That's cool I guess.
What I want them to do:
What they'll probably do:
What are you hoping for this season?
Thanks for reading!
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